Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof/Script
Cast *Tim Taylor - Tim Allen *Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson *Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas *Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan *Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith *Wilson - Earl Hindman Guest Cast *Al Borland - Richard Karn *Lisa - Pamela Denise Anderson *Rondall Kittleman - Sam McMurray *Delivery Man #1 - Rocky Giordani *Delivery Man #2 - Bari K. Willerford Script credits Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set, Friday. Tim and Al are by the bench. Tim has a pair of goggles on his head. There is a clamped stool upside-down on the bench. Tim: O.K. Now that we've finished clamping our stool and the glue is set, let's move on picks up the stool. The seat remains on the bench to our table top. walks over to the table top I'm gonna show you how to do a dato head cut move today. puts the stool legs down Now a dato is just a carpenter's term for a groove cut into wood, and if you use the word dato, puts the stool seat with the legs your wife will think you're real intelligent, right Al? Al: I'm not married, Tim. Tim: Well, if you use it in a conversation, y'know, maybe you'll get lucky! looks at Tim and then nods For cutting that dato, we're gonna be using something that looks a lot like this. enters with the tool and gives it to Tim Lisa: Here you go, Tim. Tim: Ha-ha. audience "Oohs". Lisa leaves. Tim looks down at himself, thinking the ooh is for him, not Lisa Thank you! This is the Binford Mark 3 Super-plunge Router. Grunts Ohh! A thing of beauty, isn't it? Three horsepower motor, variable electronic speed control, gets the power lead and adjustable depth stop system. When using a router, you want to use a real steady hand. plugs in the router Al: Well, you might wanna use the guide arm, Tim, so it doesn't get away from you. Tim: Would you t-. You don't always have to use the guide arm if you have a steady hand. Al: Well, if you want a straight line, Tim. Tim: Al, I've been doing this for years, alright? Just hold the table, right? holds the table top steady Al: O.K. Tim: Starter cut, set your depth gauge, and get going. starts the router. It starts straight and then shoots wildly all over the table top. Al moves back out of the way. Tim pulls the router off the table. Tim stops the router and puts it down on the table. He examines the groove and measures the depth. Perfect, Al. Does a good job of scrolling, er. While Al cleans up this deliberate mess of mine, walks over to the bench I'd like to, uh, welcome a new family member to "Tool Time," takes off his goggles Alpena, Michigan. Cold in the winter, pretty cold in the summer too, isn't it laughs up there? I kid around with you. It's channel 97 there on your cable box, and I'd like to give the folks up there comes over to Tim in Alpena, Al, Al, there he is, a "Tool Time" greeting. What d'you say, Al? and Tim salute. Tim grunts Uhh! Uhh! C'mon guys! Uhh! Audience: Uhh-uhh-uhh-uhh! Tim: Well, I'll tell you, that's about all for "Tool Time" today. takes off his tool belt and hands it to Al I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, gets his jacket hoping that all your fastners stay tight! and Al wave and leave. The "Tool Time" theme music plays. The audience starts to leave Cut to the "Tool Time" set, backstage. member of staff gives Tim a bottle of water. Al puts on his coat Tim: Thank you. member of staff leaves Good show, Al, good show. Al: Yeah, right Tim. Tim: Y'know, I'm installing a satellite dish this Saturday. drinks from the bottle Al: You mean the one we used on the show last week? Tim: nods They almost gave it to me at demo cost. Cost me nothing, man. Al: I'm happy for you, Tim. Tim: Well, I was kind of hoping you could stop by Saturday, maybe have lunch and help me put it up. Al: Pff, aw, gee, well I was kind of hoping to have the weekend alone. Kind of a private man time. runs over to them Lisa: Al! Oh good, Al. Al: Yeah? Lisa: What time did you say you wanted to come over tomorrow to help me put up my bookshelves? leans behind Lisa Al: Er, how about nine o'clock? Lisa: That's perfect. I'll see you then. Bye Tim. leaves Tim: See you Lise. Kind of that private man time, huh? Al: Well, she's a co-worker, Tim. I, I think of her as a man. looks at Al Tim: That's why you're still single, Al! leaves Cut to the backyard, Saturday. and Randy are swinging from ropes attached to the roof. Mark is watching them. Tim comes over Tim: O.K., once we get that satellite dish put up on the roof there, run that coax cable down the wall there, Mark. Cut to the living room. and Mark enter. Jill is working in the kitchen Tim: Run it through the house, across there, attach it to that TV set, and we are equipped to get 200 stations. sits on the couch Jill: 200 stations? Tim: Grunting Yeah! Jill: Great, now it's gonna take 45 minutes to find out there's nothing on you want to watch! Tim: Laughing Yeah! phone rings. Jill answers it. To Mark Oh. Hey! Can you smell that? That's, that's diesel fumes, that's a turbo diesel, that's, that's 16 speeds, tandem axle, that's a delivery truck! Grunts Ohh! Mark: You can smell that? Tim: I sure can. C'mon, help me out. gets up Go out on that front porch, and see if that delivery truck's on the way because I think our satellite dish is coming. Let me know when it's here. Mark: O.K. goes out the front door. Tim goes over to the kitchen and sits down at the worktop Jill: the phone Oh, great! You're a lifesaver... No, no, no, no, today is fine. Come right over... Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. O.K. Bye-bye. hangs up the phone Tim: Who was that? Jill: Rondall. Tim: Ron-daall? Jill: Yeah, y'know, the teacher from that job search seminar I've been taking. Tim: Why's he coming over here? Jill: Well, last Monday, after class, we were having coffee and he said that anybody who needed-- Tim: whistles and makes the "Time out" sign with his hands Time out. Flag that play. Y-you had coffee with Rondall? Jill: Yeah. pause Tim: You didn't tell me, didn't tell me about this coffee. Jill: Oh, I'm sorry. It was cream, two sugars! laughs Tim: Well, w-was it coffee or coffee and... dancing? Jill: Uh, Tim, don't be silly. I mean, it was a few of us went out for coffee after-- Tim: --ah, safety in numbers thing. Jill: Yeah. And, and Rondall said that if anybody needed any extra help, that we should give him a call. Tim: So you sprinted right over to the phone and called him. Jill: Yes, he's gonna help me get my résumé in order for that job interview I have Monday. Tim: Giving up his whole day Saturday, that guy must have a pretty understanding wife. Jill: He's not married. Tim: How'd you find that out? During coffee? Jill: No, while we were dancing! laughs Tim: Yes. Jill: Laughing Tim, what is the matter with you? Don't you trust me? Tim: Oh, it's not trust, I'm just, I'm just not sure that a man would give up all day Saturday for a woman unless he wanted something in return. Jill: Tim, he's just a good guy. He's helping me out. gets up Tim: Don't I recall you telling me that he was this big, strapping, cute, big, hunk, kind of guy. Jill: You know I never said that. Tim: Is he kind of cute? Jill: I don't know. Some people would say so. Tim: a deep, hunky voice Cuter than me? Jill: Some people would say so! snuggles into Jill's neck, tickling her. Jill laughs Cut to the backyard, later that day. delivery men bring in a huge satellite dish. Brad and Mark are sitting on the porch. Randy is standing by them Brad: Whoa! Hey, this is cool! Tim: Yeah. Randy: Excellent. delivery men put the dish down and lean it against the house Tim: It's true parabolic shape. enters For super efficient reflectivity, man. Delivery Man #1: Mr. Taylor, will you sign this please? signs the form Tim: Sure, man. Jill: Oh my god! This thing is huge! How are you ever gonna get that up on the roof? points up at the roof Tim: Well, that's why I have that pulley ratchet system set up up there. Man #1 looks at Delivery Man #2 Delivery Man #2: Whoa, you're gonna put this up yourself? Tim: Uh-huh. Delivery Man #1: Laughs Yeah. Right. delivery men leave. Tim imitates their laughing Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish? Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that! Jill: Yeah but, but it has to stay up longer than 10 seconds! looks at Jill. The doorbell rings Ah, that must be Rondall. Tim: Oh boys, look. It's the dancing coffee drinker! Jill: Hey, Tim, this interview is really important to me. This guy's gonna help me. Please behave. Tim: I promise I will be a perfect gentleman the entire time he's here. Jill: O.K. goes back inside is reading the instruction booklet Randy: How does this thing work, Dad? Tim: Well, use your imagination, if you will. You look up there, looks up satellites orbitting the planet. Sucking up information from every corner of the globe and spitting it back down here to this parabolic dish. Now this is very dangerous though, satellite dishes, because they have a pulse of their own starts wobbling and if you, if you don't watch out, they can suck you in. Brad and Mark pretend to be sucked into the dish. They scream. Jill and Rondall enter and come over Tim: Help me! Help me! Jill: Tim. Tim, Tim, this is Rondall Kittleman. Rondall, this is my husband, Tim. climbs off the dish Tim: Hi. shake hands Rondall: Tim. Jill: And these are my boys. That's Randy, Mark, and Brad. Rondall: Hi guys. Tim: I was, um, I was just showing the kids how scientific these, we just got this. Rondall: Oh really? It's a beauty. Randy: Help me Dad, it's sucking me in! pretends to be sucked into the dish Brad: Me too! Tim: No it's not. Brad & Randy: Ahhhhhhhhh! Tim: No it's not. No, I don't know where they get these ideas! C'mon you guys. Get out of here. and Randy leave Mark: Mommy look. I've got a splinter. shows Jill his finger Jill: Oh, honey. Well let's go get the tweezers and we'll get that out. Rondall Will you excuse me? Just a minute. takes Mark towards the door Honey, hope you realize I'm gonna have to use the needle. Mark: Noooooooooo! and Mark go inside Tim: So, Jill's told me a lot about you, Ron. Rondall: Rondall. It's Ron-dall. Tim: Great name. starts climbing the ladder Rondall: Y'know, you look familiar. I -- Tim: -- well, you've probably seen me on TV. starts tying the dish to the ropes I've got my own home improvement show. Jill told you about it. pause Rondall: No. She didn't mention it. pause Oh, right, right, right, wait a minute, of course, of course, that's why you look familiar. You've got that little tool show on the cable. Tim: Whoa, y'know, we don't look at it as little because we pick up a lot of cities. We just got Alpena. Rondall: Oh yeah, really? Both sets? laughs Sorry, I'm just kidding you there, pal. Tim: That's pretty funny, Rondall. climbs down the ladder Rondall: Oh, um, do that, that, that thing you do on the show, that, that barking sound, that, uh, uff-uff-uff-uff! Tim: Uh, it's really not barking. It's more of like a, uh, uh, simian grunt. Grunting Ohh-ohh! Rondall: Yeah, barking, grunting, whatever. It's very funny. Very funny show. You're very funny on it. Tim: But, but it's not all fun and games. It's a home improvement show, basically what we do. Rondall: Well yeah, but you're, you're very funny on it. I mean, not like the other guy on the show, the guy who knows everything. pause Tim: Al. Al's my assistant. He assists me. Cut to the living room. and Rondall enter. Tim walks past Jill Jill: I think I've got everything ready. Do you want to get started? Rondall: Sure. Tim: I'd like to help you guys, but I'm gonna finish up that satellite stuff. Jill: Can I take your coat? Rondall: Oh, thank you. gives Jill his coat Your, uh, husband's putting up a satellite dish, huh? Tim: Yeah. Jill: Yeah. Tim: This afternoon. goes into the garage Rondall: I, I hope you have some help. Cut to the garage. Tim: Don't need any help, bondo! picks up some gloves Cut back to the living room. comes back in Tim: No, I'm gonna do it all by myself. Jill: Tim, maybe you should call Al and Rondall sit down at the table cuz, y'know, he really knows about all that stuff. pause Tim: Al is my assistant. He assists me. puts on the gloves Rondall: I, I, I think you should listen to Jill, y'know, when I had mine put in, I had a couple of guys from Global View Satellites Installers. Tim: Did you? That must have cost you a pretty penny, huh? Rondall: Well, y'know, it was worth it when you consider that the installation requires a precise calculation of the declination angle of the dish in relation to the Equator. looks at Tim Tim: shrugs his shoulders Yeah. Rondall: Slightest deviation and the dish is useless. Of course, you know that. Tim: Goes without saying. Jill: Tim, call Al. Tim: in close to Jill Al is busy today. Rondall: Of course, the important thing right now is that you just get that dish up on the roof. Tim: No problemo, Rondanello! goes into the backyard Cut to the backyard. is potting plants Tim: Wilson! Wilson, you back there? Wilson: Right here, good neighbor. Tim: I was wondering, when you watch my show "Tool Time," do you think I'm funny? Wilson: Well, I've got to be honest with you Tim, I've never seen the show. comes over to the fence Tim: You've never seen my show? Wilson: No, no, no, no. But I don't have a television. Tim: Everybody's gotta TV. Wilson: Not me. I just use my imagination. Watch the pictures inside my mind. pause Tim: Cuts down on re-runs then, doesn't it? Wilson: Not really, Tim. There's always déjà vu! walks over to the dish Tim, I've got the feeling you've got something more on your mind than television. Tim: Nah, not really, Wilson. watches Jill and Rondall through the window It's just Jill is working on her résumé with this guy, a know-it-all type, trying to impress him. Wilson: Hmm-mm, hmm-mm. That worries you. Tim: Well, I, I'm not jealous, y'know. I'm the least jealous guy on earth, really. Wilson: Curious thing about jealousy, usually it stems from insecurity. Tim: Hum, there's no insecurity here, I'll tell you that. However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure! Wilson: Well, you should be secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of. Tim: Yeah, a satellite dish! Wilson: No Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, a loving wife. Tim: Hm. You're so right, y'know. Jill and I share so many great things. Memories, great food. We love eating, y'know. Laughter. Ho, nobody makes her laugh like I do. hears Jill laughing. He turns to look at Jill and Rondall. Grunts Ho! break Cut to the backyard, later that day. climbs down the ladder Cut to the living room. enters. Jill and Rondall are at the table, laughing. Tim walks over to them Tim: What's so funny? What are you laughing at? Jill: Oh, it's nothing, it's nothing at all, really. Tim: C'mon. Rondall: It's just. Tim: We're always laughing around here. C'mon, what's so funny? Jill: Well, O.K., it's, there's, there's a woman in our class that was always asking questions. laughs and makes himself a coffee No, honey, that's not the funny part. Tim: Grunts Ohh! Jill: So anyway, this one day, Rondall asked if there were any questions and the woman stands up starts to laugh and forgets what she was going to say. laughs Oh, it's really, I told you, it's not funny. Tim: Hm, guess you had to be there. Jill: Laughing Yeah, yeah. Tim: I've gotta make some measurements for this cable, so you guys, er, just pretend like I'm not here. Jill: O.K. O.K. Now listen, about this interview. stands up and goes over to a suit Rondall: Hmm. stands up and follows Jill Jill: I was going to wear this blue suit with a plain white blouse. takes the jacket off the hanger to show Rondall the blouse Now, is that just too block? looks at the blouse. Tim starts measuring up Rondall: No, no. I like white. It's simple but it's classic. It shows you're not a slave to trends. laughs. Jill and Rondall turn and look at him Jill: Yes? What was that Tim? Tim: Huh? Oh, ah, nothing. I was, I was thinking about that joke. She didn't know what to say! It just took me a while. Jill: So anyway. Rondall: Yes. Jill: Rondall, this jacket has really big shoulder pads. Rondall: Hmm-mm. Jill: So should I take them out, because, y'know, you hear about how wide shoulders make your neck look small and peaky. holds the jacket up against Jill Rondall: No, no, no. Wide shoulders show that you bear responsibilty. comes up behind Rondall, "shovelling" with his tape measure. Rondall turns around and Tim pretends to measure. Jill and Rondall look at him Jill: Er, maybe we should just, y'know, get back to the résumé. Rondall: O.K. sits down at the table Um, I've brought some samples over, which I've left in the car. I'll go get them. Be right back. Jill: Oh, O.K. leaves. Tim comes over to Jill. Laughing Tim, what was this? "shovels" Tim: I was shovelling manure. laughs You're not buying this crock. holds up Jill's suit I love this stuff. Wide shoulder pads show strength and motion, and the color just brightens your eyes! Jill: I know! I know! It sounds really stupid, but the guy is a professional. He knows what he's doing. Now what is the matter with you? Tim: What's the matter with me is I'm seeing a guy in my house hitting on my wife. Jill: What?! Tim: C'mon. Don't be so naive. What, do you see what's happening here? Jill: No? Tim: Guy's over here on Saturday, drinking coffee, making you laugh! Jill: Oh god, you're right! How could I have missed something so obvious? He's obviously just a great big walking hormone! Tim: You laugh, you make jokes, I can smell testosterone right here. laughs Oh, and just a wee bit of oestrogen thrown in, huh? Jill: Tim! Tim: Look at this. looks through Rondall's briefcase Jill: Tim! looks around Get out of there! That is his personal property. holds up some breath mints and cigarettes Tim: Look at this. Breath mints, cigarettes. Huh, now I've got it. This is before, this is after! takes them from him Jill: Y'know, there maybe a very good reason for him to have breath mints. puts them back in the briefcase I mean, Rondall may just have bad breath. enters again Rondall: Actually, I don't. Jill: Oh, oh, Rondall. I'm, y'know, sor-, just, y'know, sometimes when people smoke, they have bad breath. sniffs his breath Will you excuse me for a minute, please. I want to talk to Tim. continues sniffing his breath pushes Tim out into the backyard Cut to the backyard. Tim: Right then. Jill: Tim, I haven't worked in a really long time. I'm really nervous about this interview that I have Monday. This guy is trying to help me. Tim: This guy would be helping himself to you if I wasn't here. He'd have his hands all over you. Jill: No chance of that. You haven't left us alone for more than 10 minutes. Tim: Is that what you want? 10 minutes? Jill: I just, I just want to finish my résumé. Tim: Excuse me. opens the backdoor. Rondall is sitting down at the table. To Rondall Excuse me Rondall, I'll be up on the roof, completely out of sight. You won't even hear me, rest of the day. I can't hear a thing, be up there all by myself. shuts the door again and climbs up the ladder. Jill goes back inside Cut to the living room. Jill: I am so sorry for all the interuptions. comes over and sits down Rondall: That's O.K. Maybe we can do this another time. Jill: Oh, but my interview at the Duncan Philips Agency is, is on Monday. Rondall: Oh, oh, O.K. Well, then let's finish your résumé. We're almost done anyhow. Jill: Thank you. Rondall: Um, what time is your appointment on Monday? Jill: It's two o'clock. Rondall: Uh, why don't you and I have lunch together? looks at him Jill: Are you saying, er, lunch, just you and me? Rondall: No. Jill: Just the two of us? Rondall: Course not. No, I'm a good friend of the V.P. in sales over there and I thought maybe you could join us before the interview. head pops down, upside-down, by a window Jill: Oh! Great! Great, that, that's, that signals with her hand for Tim to go back up just would be a tre-tremendous help. goes back up Rondall: O.K. Now, um, when you put down your educational information, make sure, y'know, I'm sorry, I forgot. My friend won't be back from Cleveland on Monday. Jill: Oh. Rondall: Hu, but you and I could still get together. Jill: No, wait, you mean that we're back to, uh, you and I, head pops down again alone, together? turns and looks at Tim Rondall: Hm-mm. follows Jill's gaze and sees Tim. Tim goes back up Jill, y'know your husband's hanging from the roof, spying on us. Jill: No, no, he's not spying on us. Rondall: Oh. Jill: No, he's just hanging upside-down, uh, he does that all the time, to check things. Rondall: Hm. I think he has a problem with me. Jill: No, he really likes you. Rondall: Does he? Jill: Yeah. laughs Rondall: I think he's a little bit uncomfortable with me. And I think it's because he's sensing what I've been sensing. Jill: Which is what? Rondall: Well, you have been sending out signals. looks at him Jill: Signals? Rondall: Hm-mm. Jill: What signals? Rondall: Oh, you asked me out for coffee after class. Jill: Oh, no, no. No, no. That was just, there were four of us, you were just across, way across the table. Rondall: Yeah, but, y'know, everytime I turn around from the blackboard, I see you, staring into my eyes. Jill: No, that's, that's just paying attention. That's a good thing. Rondall: I don't know why you're fighting it, Jill. There's obviously something happening between us. I mean, I feel it, you feel it, it's chemistry. Jill: No, I flunked chemistry. gets up and takes their coffee cups over to the kitchen. Rondall gets up Rondall: Jill, you're playing hard to get. I love that. Jill: No, no, I'm playing no get. I am a no get woman. I'm a happy, married, no get woman, with a, with a wonderful husband. Tim: outside Ahhhhhh! falls down, tangled up in the rope. He is left hanging from the rope. Tim waves at them. Rondall waves back Rondall: "Barking" Ooo, ooo, ooo! There's Mr. Wonderful now. Jill: Honey, are you alright? Tim: outside Just testing this safety line on this, honey. Jill: Rondall, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Rondall: Oh, oh, that's good, that's good, that's good. You're pretending to throw me out because your husband can see us. gets his briefcase and coat Jill: No, I'm really throwing you out. Rondall: I think you should speak a little louder, y'know, so he can hear you. Jill: Here's your coat. throws it at him There's the door. starts to laugh. Jill marches towards the door. Rondall runs after her Rondall: Oh, that's a good touch with the jacket. I like that. opens the door Jill: Look, Rondall, you want a signal. Rondall: Uh-huh. Jill: Here is your signal. throws his briefcase down on the porch Rondall: Wait a minute. I'm confused. Does that mean we're not having lunch? Jill: Get out! goes out and Jill shuts the door Cut to the backyard. is still hanging from the rope Tim: Jill! C'mon out here, please! Jill: Tim, oh Tim. enters I don't believe it. He tried, I am so embarrassed. I feel like such a fool. comes over to Tim Tim: Could you untangle that rope? Jill: You were right. That slime came onto me. He wanted me to have lunch with him. grabs Tim's legs and pushes him upright Tim: Get him out here! C'mon out here! swings with his arms to try hit him. Jill stands back Jill: I took care of it. I threw him out. Tim: Good for you! Jill: He said I was sending him signals. Tim: Jill, could you just untie this knot? pulls on the other end of the rope Jill: -- I don't send signals. Tim: I know you wouldn't Jill, but we could talk about this some other time. My legs are really numb. comes over to him Jill: I am so sorry. I just never realized, y'know. I'm a married woman, I've got three kids. Tim: You're a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman. He'd be a fool not to hit on you. pulls Tim over to her Jill: Oh Tim. pulls Tim horizontal Tim: Hey! Wu! kisses him Would you cut me down, please? Jill: No, I like you like this. kisses him again CREDITS Cut to the living room, that evening. Mark, Brad, Randy and Jill are sitting on the couch Tim: Alright, settle in. 200 chanels of family entertainment. points the remote Seen it. Seen it. Seen that. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Jill: Will you slow down. Just let me have that thing. hands her the remote Tim: Oh boy. Jill: O.K. What's that? Randy: Sumo wrestling from Japan. Tim: Yu-toi-hu-hu. Jill: Seen it. Oh, now, that's better. Opera! Randy, Brad & Mark: Ahhhhhhhhh! grabs the remote and changes the channel Cut to the "Tool Time" set. is sanding a table top with a palm sander. Tim gets carried away with the sanding. Two members of staff come over and get him to stop. Tim takes off his goggles Tim: Grunts Ohh-ahh! Category:Scripts